What is a narcissistic abuser and why is it so hard to leave them? Studies have shown that it takes survivors of abuse an average of seven attempts before they leave their abuser for good. Let’s understand what is behind these complicated, painful and destructive relational patterns.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
The key characteristics of NPD are outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) are as follows:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance: exaggerating achievements and talents.
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believing that they are “special” and “unique” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
- A need for excessive admiration.
- A sense of entitlement, including unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment.
- Being interpersonally exploitative, taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
- Lack of empathy,, being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
- Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.
- Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
For a diagnosis, these behaviors must be pervasive and stable over time, significantly impairing functioning or causing distress. The symptoms must also be evident in a variety of contexts, such as personal relationships, work, and social situations.
Narcissists manipulate their targets through personal attacks, misinformation and false claims, and tactics such as gaslighting (denying or downplaying previous statements or actions, leading to confusion and doubt among their target).
They often portray themselves as victims to manipulate sympathy and garner support. Narcissists use divisive language to create an “us vs. them” mentality, which can manipulate emotions, isolate their targets, galvanize support and increase dependency. Narcissists often make grandiose promises to gain support and dependency, but don’t follow through. They will invoke fear as a manipulative tactic to present themselves as the only viable solution for their target.
Why is ending a relationship with a narcissist abuser challenging?
A relationship with a narcissistic abuser is very hard to extricate from because of several factors:
- Manipulation and Control: Narcissists often use manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, to distort reality and make their partners doubt their own perceptions. This can create confusion and make it harder to leave.
- Emotional Attachment: Abusive relationships can create a strong emotional bond. The cycle of abuse often includes periods of affection and love, which can make it difficult to let go, as the victim may cling to the hope that the relationship can improve.
- Fear of Retaliation: Many victims fear that leaving an abusive narcissist will lead to retaliation, whether through emotional abuse, threats, or even physical harm. This fear can be paralyzing.
- Isolation: Narcissists often isolate their partners from friends and family, making it harder to seek support when trying to escape the relationship. Without a support system, leaving can feel even more daunting.
- Low Self-Esteem: Abusive narcissists frequently undermine their partner’s self-esteem, leading victims to believe they are unworthy of better treatment. This can make it difficult to envision a life without the abuser.
- Hope for Change: Victims may hold onto the belief that the narcissist will change, especially if the abuser has shown remorse or made promises to improve. This hope can delay the decision to leave.
- Complex Trauma: Long-term exposure to emotional and psychological abuse can lead to complex trauma, making it difficult for victims to take decisions or feel empowered to leave.
- Financial Dependency: In some cases, financial dependency on the abuser can make leaving seem impossible, as victims may fear being unable to support themselves.
- Social Stigma: There can be a stigma associated with leaving an abusive relationship, and victims may feel shame or guilt, further complicating their decision to break free.
How do I get out of a relationship with a narcissist?
Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, but here are some steps that may help you navigate this process.
- Recognize the signs as detailed above. Acknowledging these behaviors can strengthen your resolve.
- Prepare yourself emotionally by reflecting on why you want to leave the relationship. Make a list of the negative impacts it has had on you to remind yourself of your reasons.
- Set clear boundaries. Limit contact as much as possible. If you must communicate, keep interactions brief and focused on necessary topics.
- Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide validation and guidance during this time.
- Plan Your Exit: Consider your living situation and financial independence. Have a plan in place for where you will go and how you will support yourself.
- Choose the Right Time and Place: If you decide to confront the narcissist directly, choose a neutral, safe location and a time when they are less likely to react explosively.
- Stay Firm and Direct: When you communicate your decision, be clear and concise. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or emotional manipulation
- Expect Pushback: Be prepared for attempts to guilt or manipulate you into staying. Stay resolute in your decision.
- Focus on Healing: After the breakup, prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that promote your well-being and surround yourself with supportive people.
- Consider Professional Help: Therapy can be beneficial in processing your experiences and rebuilding your self-esteem after a relationship with a narcissist.
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be a complex process, but prioritizing your well-being and mental health is essential. If you need help leaving an abusive relationship or healing from trauma, please contact us for support.
