Dear Agony Aunt,
I’m writing today because I’m struggling with feelings of deep resentment in my marriage, and I’m not sure how to navigate these emotions.
I’m a 40-year-old married woman with two young children. I am a corporate professional and work full-time, which is demanding, but it’s the mental load of managing our household and family responsibilities that feels overwhelming. My husband also works, but somehow, I end up shouldering most of the emotional and organizational tasks. From planning meals, managing the kids’ schedules, and ensuring our home runs smoothly, it all falls on me.
I wish my husband could be a better team player. I feel like I’m constantly reminding him of things, from making sure he doesn’t forget to pick up some groceries, paying for bills, to helping with homework. It’s not just about the tasks themselves; it’s the mental energy I expend thinking about everything, worrying about everything, and feeling responsible for everything. I often find myself feeling frustrated and resentful because I feel like I’m doing it all alone. He can somehow find time to play golf and go to the gym, while I am struggling to find any time for myself.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but it seems like he doesn’t fully understand the depth of my frustration. He helps when I ask, but it’s not proactive. I want him to see the big picture and take initiative without me having to spell everything out. I want us to be a team, not just in words but in actions.
I love my husband and value our relationship, but this imbalance is starting to affect our connection. We argue more frequently, and I find myself withdrawing emotionally because I feel unsupported. I’m not sure how to bridge this gap or if there’s a way to redistribute the mental load more evenly.
I would greatly appreciate any advice or insights you might have on how to address this issue. How can I communicate my needs more effectively? Are there strategies for sharing the mental load?
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I look forward to your response.
Regards,
Caroline
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Dear Caroline,
I can sense the depth of your frustration and the weight that you carry.
Firstly, let me assure you that you’re not alone in this struggle. Many women face similar challenges in managing the mental load of balancing professional and family responsibilities. It is essential to recognise that this is not just about dividing tasks but about sharing the emotional labour and decision-making processes.
To address this imbalance, consider having an honest and respectful conversation with your husband. Instead of focusing on specific tasks, explain how you feel and why this matters to you. Use “I” statements to express your emotions and avoid blaming language. For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to remember everything. It would really help me if you could take the initiative on some things without me asking.”
Staying away from blame is important. If you start blaming your husband, he will likely get defensive and stop listening. The discussion may escalate into an argument and leave both of you frustrated.
Instead, try to get your husband on board as a team player in the household and collaboratively explore areas where he would be more interested in taking the lead. Focus on areas of comparative advantage and discuss the best way to move forward together. I believe figuring out different areas where one of you can take the lead can be a helpful way to work as a team. If it is an area your husband will take the lead, give him some space to do it his way (and expect that it won’t go as you planned!). Give this a try for a week or two, then come back and discuss how you both thought it went. Both of you should give constructive feedback and stay away from finger-pointing. Positive words of affirmation, for a job well done, will encourage your husband to continue his journey of support.
I really like creating rituals of connection, and a good one is to have an end-of-week catch-up. Sunday evening, after the kids are asleep, is a good time for my husband and I to discuss our respective schedules for the upcoming week. This allows us to understand each other’s workload, how we can help each other out, and discuss delegating anything that one of us cannot handle.
We also take the opportunity to figure out a time for us to be together without the kids. We don’t have a fixed schedule so sometimes we do a cheeky Friday lunch, sometimes go to the gym together, and other times just have a morning coffee and chat. The key is to be flexible and value our time together.
Time together (without the kids) is important and while it may not be easy to orchestrate, it needs to be prioritised. Remember, the marital relationship is the primary relationship that forms the foundation around how a family functions. A committed and loving marital relationship provides a critical sense of safety and security for children as they embark on the journey of building their own character and personality.
It might also be helpful to create a shared family calendar or task list where both of you can see and contribute to the responsibilities. This can help distribute the load more evenly and ensure that both partners are aware of what needs to be done.
Another strategy is to practice “good enough” household management. Sometimes, perfectionism can add to the mental load. Remember, it is okay if things are not perfect; what matters most is creating a structure that allows the entire family (including the children) to have various opportunities to work collaboratively as a team.
Lastly, consider seeking support from a couples therapist who can help you both communicate more effectively and work through these issues together. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help when you need it.
Remember, building a more balanced partnership takes time and effort from both sides. Be patient, and don’t give up on communicating your needs.
Kind regards,
Patricia