Recently, my tween child surprised me with a simple request: he wanted to start catching public transport on his own, just like some of his friends. My first reaction was a mixture of defensiveness and worry. Was he not grateful for all the logistical magic I orchestrate each day to make his commute shorter and safer? For a brief moment, I felt unappreciated. However, once my initial wave of emotion passed, I realised something important – this was not about gratitude. Rather, it was his gentle way of asking for more independence – and a sign that he was growing up and ready to take on new responsibilities. I took a deep breath and told him that, if he wanted to try, he would need to do his own research, such as looking up public transport timetables, figuring out where he needed to be and estimating how long the journey would take.
To my amazement, he came back that same day with all the relevant information in hand, ready to discuss. At that moment, I felt reassured and realised that maybe he was more ready than I thought.
I have always tried to raise my children to be independent, confident and – most importantly – open with me about their thoughts and feelings. This was a big moment for both of us. While he had already flown by himself as an unaccompanied minor, letting him navigate Hong Kong’s public transport (for an hour-long journey) alone felt like a different level of freedom and responsibility – one that would give him the daily opportunity to roam and explore his city. I imagined my firstborn tween hitting the clubs and bars in LKF, being delinquent and not coming home. Then I told myself to stop, and to have more trust in him.
The Importance of Involving Children in Decision-Making
What I have learned is that involving my son in decision-making, both big and small, is crucial for his growth. When I asked him to research his transportation route, it was not just about logistics, but rather about giving him ownership of the process and showing him that I trusted his judgment. Whether it is choosing what to wear, planning weekend activities, or deciding how to approach a bigger milestone like independent travel, these moments matter.
By starting with small decisions, like picking a restaurant or helping to plan dinner, this helps him to build confidence in his ability to make decisions. As he grows, I invite him into larger conversations about his schedule, his relationships and his responsibilities. I have found that, by giving him my undivided attention when he is expressing an opinion, this has allowed him to feel respected and valued. It is truly a delicate balance: offering guidance and boundaries, but also allowing space for his voice and ideas.
Balancing Guidance with Listening
Parenting a tween is a delicate dance between holding on and letting go. As he grows, my role is shifting from doing things for him to guiding him as he learns to do things for himself. I want to raise a child who is not only confident in his abilities, but is also kind, thoughtful, and willing to ask for help when he needs it.
I remind myself that every step towards independence is also a step towards trust—trust in him, and trust in the values we have built together as a family. By involving him in decisions, I am not just teaching him practical skills, but am also showing him that his opinions matter and that he is capable of handling responsibility.
So, when he says he wants to try a new recipe, I listen and let him go through with it despite having already planned dinner. When we were planning a family holiday, he mentioned wanting to visit a smaller, under-rated country. It was an interesting suggestion, one that my husband and I would almost certainly have overlooked.
Of course, there are times when he makes untenable or inappropriate suggestions. This is when we guide him and explain why we cannot support it. This is a fine balance and the key is to communicate openly and react patiently while they figure it all out.
Letting go is not easy. We all wholeheartedly want to shelter and safeguard the well-being of our children. But watching my tween rise to the occasion, seeing his confidence bloom, and knowing that he feels safe enough to talk to me about his hopes and fears – these are the moments that make it all worthwhile. In order for my child to shed his fears and inhibitions, I realised how important it was for me to do so too.
In the end, he missed his connecting bus and ended up having to make a change on the fly. It took him over an hour, but dare I say that the boy that strolled through our front door (with a sweaty brow, flushed cheeks and a contented smile) stood just that extra inch taller.
Here’s to raising confident, kind, and independent children – and to the courage it takes, for both child and parent, to take those first steps into a larger world.
